attention, ladies and gentlemen, etc.

so, tonight after work i went to capitol hill because the center for american progress was going to show mr. smith goes to washington in defense of the filibuster. (they ended up not showing it because there was a copyright issue at the last minute.) so, i was on the metro going from my office to the Hill and, you know, on the metro, the conductor person always gives information about which train we're on, where the next station is, which side the doors will open on, etc. well, tonight, i got a very, very chatty conductor, and it was excruciating. so my first thought was to share it with you.

now, a normal conductor might say:
"blue line train. next stop federal triangle. doors open left side."

or, even more succinct,
"blue line, federal triangle, left side."

that gives you all the information you need, right? well, the lady tonight, at every stop, said:

"good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for choosing metro. this is a blue line train with service from franconia-springfield to largo town center. the next station that this train will service will be the federal triangle station. as the train approaches the platform, the doors will open on the left side in the direction of travel." then, as we approached the next station, she would say "attention ladies and gentlemen waiting to board this blue line train. please step back from the platform edge and allow the passengers who wish to exit at this station exit the train before attempting to board. passengers on the train, if you do not wish to exit at this station, please step back from the doors to allow passage for those passengers who do wish to exit the train."

i mean, come on! i almost screamed. at certain points in the city, the stations are close enough together that she literally never stopped talking. she went straight from the welcome aboard speech to the step back and let people off speech. and rarely, when there actually was dead air between the two speeches, she filled it up with public service announcements about how you should give up your seat for people with disabilities, don't leave your candy wrappers lying around, etc. even though i know it's not rational, i felt like her incessant prattling was actually making the train move slower. i don't know that woman, but i hate her from the very pit of my soul.